Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
