i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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