in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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