he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize