he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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