I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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