theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
it's like heaven, but drunker
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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