dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
