# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
