3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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