can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize