now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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