He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
