fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
