I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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