My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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