my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize