Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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