I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Randomize
