My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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