hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
