Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
40s are totally the cure
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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