My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
