does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
