Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
soo... how was my night?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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