I'm so fucking centered right now
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Randomize
