dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
