shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
