I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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