First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
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