but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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