foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
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