Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
