just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He passed out mid-signature
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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