paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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