My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
