I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
