you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He did a backflip because drugs
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