I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
