we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
