So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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