the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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