Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
