I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
