i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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