its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
my phone needs a breathalizer
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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