this boner is exhausting
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
