Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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