Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
