3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
The maid of honor just puked.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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