he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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