Old men and throwing up are my life now.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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