nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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