I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize