Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
