you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
