I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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