Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
